


Dohyon doesn't know much about love.

by sunshinejade



Category: Produce 101 (TV), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, First Crush, First Love, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Overthinking, Pining, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, gets angsty in the middle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:28:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22995469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinejade/pseuds/sunshinejade
Summary: Love is sweet like mom and dad when he was growing up.Love is deep like Jinhyuk hyung and Wooseok hyung being each other's strength on PdX101.Love is caring like Hangyul hyung and Seungyoun hyung, no matter the hardships.Love is painful like Yohan hyung's fleeting onesided feelings.Love is denial like Dohyon.
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Lee Hangyul, Kim Wooseok | Wooshin/Lee Jinhyuk, Nam Dohyon/Song Hyeongjun
Comments: 16
Kudos: 59





	Dohyon doesn't know much about love.

Dohyon doesn’t know much about love.  
Not the romantic one at least.

Mom and dad are of the reserved kind, so he grows up thinking that he can’t relate to the people that talk about grand gestures and bouquet of flowers and flash mobs and serenades. 

To him love is just small smiles from across the room, hushed words in the morning, _‘have a good day’, ‘have you eaten yet?’,‘I’m home’._ It’s gentle touches and remembering small details.

He listens as mom and dad sing in harmony while he plays the piano; spies and makes faces at the rare chaste kisses they share on particularly happy Sundays. 

It’s totally normal for him until he gets acquainted with the tv and everyone there seems to like professing their love through big, carefully planned events. Then at school, he finds out that some people leave letters to other kids and when he tells his mom, she says that some people do things like that. 

His music teacher tells him the same thing one day when they study a particular piece that some old composer wrote hundreds of years before for a pretty lady in a very uncomfortable looking dress.

It takes a little, but after a while, he almost forgets about the small signs of love, about the kind of love that his parents taught him. Love becomes the kind he sees in tv, the kind that means everything and nothing at all. It’s great and grand and he can recognise it, but he wouldn’t say he _knows_ it.   
It seems to be enough for the puppy-love songs he needs to write as assignments or to pass the time. 

Dohyon grows a little bit older, not that much, just a little bit. 

When he starts middle school his life gets busier and his mind erases more memories from his past to make space for geography, history, math, and all those notions he’s asked to know at school. He still remembers the important things, like mom baking or dad hosting him up on his knees and playing the piano with him. But other things get buried in his mind, so he stops noticing the small actions.

Not to mention he stays home less and less, so he doesn’t see mom and dad as much anymore and when he does they pay attention to him so he misses the gentle caress his dad gives his mom, always accompanied by a small peck on the temple. Misses the way his mom always reminds his dad to take his lunch before leaving for work, because Dohyon leaves home even earlier than his dad.

Sometimes he sees mom and dad humming together in the kitchen, but he doesn’t really _see_ them not when he’s so focused on getting a snack from the fridge and then runs back to his keyboard.

Dohyon gets scouted and accepted in MBK in just a couple of years and the night his parents tell him, he’s too excited about all the new possible opportunities that he misses the tight grip his mom has on his dad’s hand and the way that she looks a little bit sad but always smiles when his dad whispers something in her ear.

He moves in the MBK boys dorm after a little while. 

It’s awkward at first and really, really hard for him. He was never very extroverted and he’s the youngest so it’s all very new and very scary.

He makes friends with Kijoong hyung and the older says it’s actually because Hangyul hyung wanted to befriend him but everyone is always scared of him so he sent Kijoong first. After that, it all gets a lot easier, but he doesn’t get the chance to hang out much with his parents. 

He calls, mostly, and on nights when his schedule isn’t ridiculous and actually lets him have a free evening he even cuts some time for a video chat. 

Love is the last thing on his mind and he starts burying in the back of his mind even the idea of it that tv imprinted on him over the years because he doesn’t have time to watch tv anymore. 

He doesn’t have time to dwell on love in music either because he starts rap lessons and he rarely comes across romantic lyrics during those. 

In dance class, they do some choreographies on western love songs but he’s too preoccupied with trying to absorb everything he can from the teachers and from Hangyul hyung to bother about Shawn Mendes talking about a random girl.

They let him visit home after a while and he’s tired from the train ride, but the morning after he notices it immediately. 

Maybe it’s because he’s been gone a lot, but it’s very obvious, more than before. Grandma says over the phone that it might be because he’s growing up and subconsciously his brain is picking up these things too. 

What matters is that he starts noticing the soft touches again, he notices the way mom and dad seem to have hidden, inside jokes that have them giggling and smiling softly at each other. It makes him wonder if they had always been like that and probably yes, but for some reason, he only started really taking it in now. It keeps him up at night because his mind is made like that and he even calls Hangyul hyung but he doesn’t have an answer.

When he gets back from his weekend away, Yeongsang hyung tells him that he’s growing up and maybe being homesick made him a little sad, so he unconsciously latched onto happy things and nothing is quite as happy as love and that’s why he notices it more now. 

He wonders if hyung is implying in a veiled way that growing up makes people a little sadder, but shakes it off thirty minutes later because Hangyul hyung is older and he doesn’t seem capable of ever being sad. 

He learns a year after that Hangyul does get sad, and it’s a horrible realisation.

When they start practising for the audition, _that_ audition, he’s kind of sad to have to say goodbye to the other trainees, but Kijoong tells him that it’s okay and not to be scared, after all, he had his shot already. It doesn’t make him feel better, but Hangyul hyung is there for him. So is Yeongsang hyung, but he seems a little on edge and nervous and he hears him on the phone with someone he calls “ _Darling”_ and a few nights later he learns that sometimes love is showing up at with dark circles under your eyes because love can be tricky.

That same day, he learns that sometimes love is a pretty lady waiting at 1 in the morning in front of their agency and the look of confusion and worry over Yeonsang hyung’s face. It’s a shameless, passionate kiss and muttered ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I’ll always support you’ and ‘I’ll miss you so much’.

Hangyul hyung drags him away sighing something about wanting that too. But no matter how cute and clearly in love they seem, Dohyon can’t help but think that there’s something ephemerally sad about that scene so he’s not really sure he wants that too.

He sees mom and dad once more, to pick up some clothes he probably won’t use because the production team will provide them with new colourful clothes. He pays attention this time, because he wants to see this, see them.

He’s strangely attracted by the concept of love lately. 

Yeongsang hyung, he fears, is a little touchy on the matter. Hangyul hyung is too happy-go-lucky and thrilled to go to ProduceX101 to focus on Dohyon’s sudden new interest. Also, he’s pretty sure the program won’t be the best ground to dwell on romantic affairs and feelings. 

The thing is, by the time he’ll get out, he’ll be half a year older and he thinks he’d like to know how love looks like in real life before he gets thrown in a music show where he’s surrounded by pretty girls and hidden relationships and ends up crushing on the first cute sunbae that calls him cute. 

He talks about it with his dad, a little awkwardly and tentatively, but his dad smiles and listens to the train of thoughts that Dohyon himself isn’t sure makes complete sense.

His dad says it’s normal, to be curious. He’s fourteen and he’s going to be a young man sooner or later and puberty, aside from all the physical aspects, is sure to make him wonder about a lot of things. 

That night, dad tells him something else. 

He says that love for him and Dohyon’s mom was something that developed slowly, too subtle to notice at first, and maybe that’s the reason it’s still easy to miss it.

Dohyon learns that they were first coworkers, then friends and slowly but surely, one lingering touch after the other, one hushed giggle followed by a slightly louder one, his dad woke up one day: in love.

Dohyon smiles all throughout the following day, wondering when he’ll ever get to see something that makes him believe in love quite as much as the way dad laughs at the obnoxious jokes mom says.

It all happens very fast and excruciatingly slow at the same time.  
ProduceX101 is all that he expected, yet a whole new world. He has more time on his hands than he imagines during the show, yet at the same time, he has no time to rest. 

It’s a strange feeling.

He’s always practising and he’s always tired, but at the same time, he’s never been happier.  
He’s always laughing with other contestants, having some sort of 24/7 sleepover that includes eating a lot of junk food and simultaneously he’s never been more burdened.

At first, he feels bad, because unless they’re practising he just can’t seem to bring himself to talk and get chummy with his teammates; everyone seems to treat him like he’s an adorable little kid or a music prodigy and both reactions leave him flustered and shy. 

Dohyon’s never been too good at making friends and once again he relies on Hangyul hyung that, on the other hand, seems completely at ease with everyone everywhere. It’s then that he meets Seungyoun hyung.  
They click immediately and whenever he can, he finds a reason to tag along with him and Hangyul hyung.

Days go by and slowly he actually makes some friends of his own. 

Some people he likes get eliminated on the first ranking and it leaves him feeling bitter and sad, but it lasts less than two hours because Hangyul hyung comes to drag him in one of the rooms where he finds Hyeongjun hyung, Minhee hyung and the rest of the Finesse team. For some reason, at a certain point of the night, Seungyoun shows up too, bringing Sunho hyung along and it’s admittedly overcrowded but Dohyon feels a little lighter now.

A far-off part of his brain overhears Byungchan hyung dramatically talking to Seungwoo hyung, but he’s looking for the candies Wonjin hyung asked him to fetch, so he doesn’t pay it too much attention until the older of the two says something about loving someone.

‘ _People don’t magically fall out of love just because one of them left for some time. Not when the said party left behind obnoxious pink sticky notes all over their room saying_ I love you, I’m thinking about you, I will make you proud, I’m dreaming about kissing you _.’_

_‘You don’t know that hyung.’_

_‘Want me to cuddle you to sleep so you can pretend I’m Sejun?’_

_‘No. It’s gonna make me more homesick’_

Needless to say, Dohyon realises that being homesick isn’t just about family love.  
Or maybe it is, just another kind of family. But Seungyoun hyung and Hangyul hyung show up in the hallway, slapping each other on the arms, giggling to themselves so Dohyon just runs to them, forgetting all about Byungchan hyung and that Sejun guy.

ProduceX101, while being one of the greatest competitions in South Korea’s pop industry, feels like school.  
Frustrating and tiring, but the friendships… They feel like friendships that last forever.

It takes hanging out with Jinwoo to discover that competition isn’t the only thing he was wrong about.  
He finds out that maybe ProduceX101 is the place to learn about love after all.

Dohyon, when he’s feeling stressed, hides in his room, pretends to be going over lyrics so he can spend some time alone until Hangyul hyung or Seungyoun hyung come along and make him laugh.

Jinwoo says he goes to see Jinhyuk hyung, but sometimes it doesn’t work because he disappears and it looks like a lot of the hyungs know where he is, but they all say it’s better not to bother him because when he’s gone, it means that Jinhyuk hyung is dealing with stress too.

They’re on an hour break between shooting for the Second Elimination and the staff is actually letting them stretch their legs, so he’s looking for Hangyul hyung but he’s nowhere to be seen. He ends up helping Jinwoo find Jinhyuk hyung because he’s feeling strangely nervous. 

Yuri is muttering something in a disgusted tone, something about Jinhyuk hyung and that spot where there are no cameras. And he initially doesn’t get it because Yuri hyung usually sounds pretty chill, but now he sounds really really mean. Also, he didn’t know there was a place in the whole building complex.

Dohyon sees them before Jinwoo and Jinwoo sees Jinhyuk hyung and Wooseok hyung before they see them. It doesn’t make sense at first, because Dohyon doesn’t expect it so his brain can’t really comprehend what’s going on. Or better yet, his mind does understand _what_ is happening, he just can’t understand _why.  
_Not at first at least.

It’s the first gay interaction he sees in real life. 

Of course, he knows about gay couples and gay celebrities, but it’s the first time he finds out someone he personally knows is gay.  
There have been rumours in school. No one he was close with. He has a gay cousin, but she’s a distant relative and she lives in Japan and he never met her. 

And all these things cross his mind in a flash all as he watches Jinhyuk hyung leaning on an abandoned school desk behind one of the farthest buildings. Wooseok is standing next to him. He has his arms around Jinhyuk’s torso and his lips are slowly and gently pressing feather-light kisses on the other’s neck, while Jinhyuk is caressing his nape.

Dohyon feels bad for seeing them. It’s such an intimate moment and so, genuinely soft, that he feels himself blushing. It takes a second to see Jinwoo frowning and he feels even worse because he can see his friend’s heart breaking.

They leave silently, but when they get back to their seats to film, Jinwoo is acting as if nothing happened while Dohyon can’t stop staring at the way Wooseok hyung is gripping Jinhyuk hyung’s hand.

Jinwoo tells him that he’s okay. Says Jinhyuk is his ‘dad’ but Dohyon isn’t sure he’s okay because sometimes he accidentally calls Hangyul hyung dad and Dongpyo calls Seungwoo hyung dad, but Jinwoo is the only one that has developed feelings and he’s scared that pushing this dad-son thing might hurt him more.

But Jinwoo teaches him that sometimes love is realising that it can’t work and settling for whatever you can get, even if it’s having the person you have feelings for treating you like a little brother because you’re young. 

Dohyon knows it makes sense, but he figures it still must hurt because Jinwoo is young and love doesn’t spare you no matter how old you are. 

It’s like those things that you don’t know at first but when you learn about them you suddenly find them everywhere.  
Google calls it the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon. Anyways, Dohyon can’t believe he hasn’t realised it before, because now it’s so obvious. 

There’s a long list of small touches and disappearing that suddenly Dohyon stops missing and it’s the bravest thing he’s ever seen someone do because the place is teeming with cameras and production staff.

Wooseok hyung has this smirk that is truly just a semi-hidden smile when he feels like teasing Jinhyuk hyung.  
Jinhyunk hyung has this way of always letting him get away with everything. 

They don’t spend that much time together since they’re always in different teams, but Dohyon sees the way when no one is looking Jinhyuk hyung stares at Wooseok from across the room. Or how Wooseok hyung glows in pride when someone compliments Jinhyuk.

He gets a visit from Jinhyuk hyung and his hyung asks him his opinion. Dohyon finds himself asking how did he know. 

He’s not sure why he asked, but it’s a fixated thought lately. _How do you know if you like someone?_

Jinhyuk doesn’t understand whether Dohyon is asking in general or if he’s asking how do you know you like a boy, but he doesn’t ask for clarification and for that Dohyon is thankful because, in all honesty, he’s not sure himself.

Jinhyuk hyung says you just know it. In your heart.

That it feels right and it’s like your body knows. It’s like your body just yearns to be closer to that person, to touch them and be there for them and talk to them and make sure they’re okay.

He gets up and leaves just like that and Dohyon is confused because he’s always clingy so if what Jinhyuk hyung says is true then he likes half of the contestants in the show.

Wooseok is leaning at the doorway, but he only realises it after a few minutes of staring into nothingness and jumps at the sight.

Wooseok chuckles and calls him cute.  
They look at each other until Wooseok hyung tells him that it’s okay if he needs time. Fourteen is an important age. 

He’s growing up and there’s so much he knows and so much he doesn’t.

Wooseok tells him not to think too much, that it’ll all work out given time.  
That for Jinhyuk it’s easy to talk about it because he’s known since he was a kid.  
Wooseok adds that he only found out when he was eighteen so he can understand how strange it is, how many questions Dohyon must have. 

He says they can talk about it, once the show is over and the cameras are not lurking.

Dohyon wants to tell him he’s wrong. He doesn’t like boys.  
He just wants to understand how people can be sure about who they love. For some reason, the words die on his lips and he excuses himself to go look for Changuk hyung.

He blushes that night at dinner and shakes his head violently, startling Minkyu hyung. He doesn’t tell anyone that it’s because he saw _him_ skipping dinner to practice and he still doesn’t tell them that he wants to pass by their dorm room to make sure he’s sleeping at a respectable hour.

After a few weeks, he comes to the conclusion that those thoughts were probably, unconsciously implanted in his brain by Jinhyuk hyung and Wooseok hyung because even now that they’re all nervous and close to breaking down, now that everyone seems to be a little worried and touchy, Dohyon is honestly more concerned with Hangyul hyung and actually, he doesn’t really think of _him_ unless someone points him out.

Dohyon isn’t the only one worried over Hangyul hyung tho.  
Seungyoun hyung and Seungwoo hyung are a constant of asking him if it’s normal for his hyung to be like that or if he’s keeping a facade because he’s not comfortable talking to them about his worries. 

It’s nice to see how much they care about him. 

(No one tells him that, during the night of the final, the fact that _he_ is the first person he wants to hug after Hangyul hyung is telling, so he doesn’t realise that maybe it means something.)

After that, he’s busy and tired and exhilarated and exited so he doesn’t see it for so long and it’s strange because between his parents and Weishin, as he finds the fans call them, he thinks he’s gotten good at catching these signs. 

He doesn’t see it until it’s a done deal. Maybe, he analyses one night, it’s because he’s so close to them both. Like that time he watched Eunsang hyung look all over their room for his phone just to realise he had it in his hand.

Dohyon also blames it on the fact that everyone else is pretending it’s not happening. 

It’s only two months after debut when they all know they are slowly going inactive that he starts seeing them.

Maybe... he chuckles to himself as he and Seungyoun hyung are writing a new song and Hangyul hyung is cooking, maybe Yeongsang hyung was right and now he’s still growing up and he’s still tired and stressed and falls asleep with the feeling that things aren’t going all right at all. And his mind is latching to happy things again and now one makes him quite as happy as Seungyoun hyung and Hangyul hyung. 

He tells himself that that’s it.  
That his mind would do anything to feel a little safer and nothing feels safer than mom and dad, so his mind is projecting them on his hyungs. 

Maybe he’s turning into a seungyul shipper, he chuckles jokingly in his mind.

It takes him a few weeks to realise that maybe he isn’t projecting. That Hangyul hyung and Seungyoun hyung really are closer than ever. That he wasn’t wrong when he saw Seungyoun hyung’s fingers linger a little bit on Hangyul hyung’s palm over dinner.

He’s not imagining the sound of the door of their room locking when they go to sleep. He’s not imagining Seungyoun hyung falling asleep curled up on the couch and Hangyul hyung kissing his forehead. 

Dohyon doesn’t say anything, because no one else says anything and maybe the two of them would rather have it like that. But when he enters the living room to find them alone he smiles, giggles and goes to hang out with Eunsang hyung and the rest of the maknae line.

He learns a little more about love.

Love is Hangyul hyung and Seungyoun hyung being strong for all of them until they’re alone and only then gathering the strength to be fragile together.  
Love is Hangyul hyung needing to go out and spend as much time as he can outside and Seungyoun hyung doing the same, but first thing first when they get back to the dorm is telling each other how their day went over chill music.  
Love is the way they think they’re being subtle when they want to spend some time alone, but their eyes shining like little diamonds give them away immediately. 

(When they disband even Seungyoun hyung and Hangyul hyung being in love can drown the sadness.)

It’s a long time coming.

Seungwoo hyung is on the phone with Yohan hyung and Wooseok hyung by his sides.  
He’s calm and collected, while Wooseok’s eyes are burning with hatred and the doorbell rings.

Dohyon is hurting but amidst the pain, his brain registers something new. 

Love is Jinhyuk hyung showing up at their door, the night of the 5th of January and doesn’t even says hi. He simply hugs each and every one of them, leaving Wooseok for last and then spends the night, because he knows Wooseok is going to need him the morning after.

Dohyon can’t stand staying there.

He hides in his room, all his stuff is all over the place just like Eunsang’s.  
It makes him feel better, the familiarity in seeing their things around. He stays there and waits until someone comes looking for him.

He falls asleep at a certain point, too tired and too sad and he can’t even feel scared about falling asleep alone because right now reality is a lot more fighting. He doesn’t wake up until he feels someone scooting closer in his bed and he welcomes the feeling. It’s a horrible night and he sure won’t judge Eunsang hyung for wanting some sort of comfort.  
Except it’s not Eunsang, because this body smells different and has curly hair and is whispering with a broken voice that he’s sorry and that he doesn’t want any of them to hate them. It breaks his heart.

But not as much as waking up the morning after. 

Seungwoo hyung has dark circles under his eyes and Jinhyuk is leaving because he understands that they must want some time together. It doesn’t take a PhD. to understand what’s going on. Even their manager is there and he offers him a small smile and it only hurts more.

Yohan hyung is the first to cry.   
Dohyon doesn’t remember who follows after but they’re all crying except for Seungwoo hyung, Hangyul hyung and Hyeongjun hyung. 

They stay there for some time without really saying anything, just sobbing until Seungwoo hyung tells them that they should rest and that X1 is one and they’ll get through it together.

They nod but they’re suffering too much to move.  
He sees Seungwoo hyung starting to blink and their leader is the first to get up and go to his room and Yohan hyung looks like he wants to get up and follow him, but muted sobbing comes from the lone room and Seungwoo hyung wouldn’t want them to see him like this.

So they all reluctantly get up and leave too.

Hyeongjun hyung stays behind. 

He just stares ahead and his eyes are puffy even if he didn’t cry and Dohyon knows that the wet spot on his pillow wasn’t due to drooling. And Dohyon feels like crap because none of them should feel like this. Heyongjun shouldn’t feel like this and he wants to go to Swing and understand what the hell went wrong.

He dries his tears and sits down again.  
He’s not good at this, but he’s never seen Hyeongjun hyung like this so to hell with it, he’ll try.

Dohyon pinches his cheek, the way he always does.  
The way Minhee hyung says will own him a punch a year from now. He tells Hyeongjun just that.  
And that they’ll see a year from now if he’s pinching really owned him a punch.

Hyeongjun hyung smiles sadly, but his eyes remain unfocused and Dohyon wants to cry again, but it wouldn’t make hyung feel better so he just stays there and holds Hyeongjun’s hand in his. 

The older lets him, just for a minute.  
He gets up slowly, letting their hands stay interlaced for as long as he can and when they’re not holding hands anymore Dohyon feels so cold.

(He doesn’t turn back, can’t stand the idea of seeing the other walk away. But he still needs to say it. Hyeongjun hyung need to hear it.)

I won’t.

_You won’t what?_

Hate you.  
None of us will ever hate you. It’s not your fault.

_Yes, it is._

No, it's-

_Starship voted no._

You don’t know that.

_Yes, I do._

It doesn’t matter hyung, I don’t hate you.

When he hears no answer he also hears his heart breaking.

Dohyon drags his feet to his room slowly.

Seugnyoun hyung and Hangyul hyung left their door open, but even the sight of them cuddling on Seungyoun hyung’s bed can't make him feel better or safer because Hangyul hyung is crying.  
Visibly sobbing into Seungyoun’s shirt.  
And he hates it.

Hates seeing that love, the happiest and strongest force, can also mean Hangyul hyung keeping his cool all week until he can finally break down in Seungyoun hyung’s arms. Seungyoun hyung, drying his own tears to be there for Hangyul hyung.

He wants to go back.  
Back when love was Seungyoun hyung and Hangyul hyung laughing in the kitchen waiting for him to wake up so they could have breakfast together.

He wants to go back when love was mom and dad singing in harmony and he was just ten.  
Back when he could pretend that love was just happy things and didn’t include having to watch _him_ leave from the front door with his suitcase.

They stay in the dorm until the very end.  
They meaning him, Hangyul hyung, Seungyoun hyung and Yohan hyung.  
They watch all the others leave day by day.

Seungwoo hyung tries too because the captain is the last to abandon the ship, he says.  
But they all know he can’t and Yohan hyung won’t let him anyway. 

Seungwoo hyung is too good and does not deserve to see their home bare and empty. 

He glances around and Yohan hyung left an hour ago. Seungyoun hyung was supposed to leave in the early morning, but he’s still here. 

Hangyul hyung is moving Dohyon’s suitcase into his mother’s car.  
They’re all going to have a little break after this and Hangyul hyung doesn’t want Dohyon to waste any of their time off because he’s caring like that.  
He doesn’t even drop by MBK.

Hangyul hyung insisted that they can just contact him on the phone. After all, they only get a week and then MBK wants them back on track. He wonders for a second who takes care of Hangyul hyung, he doubts he can properly take care of himself when 80% of his time is spent in taking care of Dohyon.

Hangyul hyung waves with one hand, the other is safely wrapped around Seungyoun hyung’s and Dohyon feels a little better, more at ease with leaving. 

When dad had a problem, mom was always there to take care of him.  
Hangyul hyung had Seungyoun hyung. Seungyoun hyung had Hangyul hyung. 

_But who does_ hyung _have?_

He glances to his phone and thinks that if love is taking care of each other maybe he should text him.  
But it’s not the same, so he just turns off his phone and falls asleep.

Dohyon cames back fully recharged.   
He’s keeping up with the general public’s opinion.  
MBK sounds supporting over the phone and his fans…   
One it’s are the most wonderful blessing he’s had in his life.

To make things better, the group chat is active. Not a day without them talking. 

Dohyon notices it takes _him_ a few days to start really interacting. He tells himself he only noticed out of worry and pointedly ignores the part of his brain that asks him why is he so worried in the first place.

He doesn’t have time to think about it once he’s back. MBK is supportive, yes, but they’re also very demanding.  
Their schedules are all over the place and being only two of them means five times the parts and that means five times the practising as well. 

They still get days off and days off are great because they have such a big apartment and he gets to bring in all the equipment he can afford and sleep and eat how much as he wants.  
He wants to invite the members over (he also loves how MBK lets them call them _their_ members), but their busy too and he’s too shy to bother them even after being together for so long. 

One morning he wakes up to laughter and the smell of pancakes. He’s almost convinced he’s still dreaming and that the high-pitched and deep laughter mashing together is his brain distorting his parent’s laughter. When he walks in the kitchen his heart fills with happiness.

Seungyoun hyung is really there and he’s burning their breakfast with Hangyul hyung chuckling by his side.  
He’s willing to pretend that they’re not missing another eight people and just enjoy the moment. 

He eats in between laughing fits and feels his own eyes glistening happily at the not subtle way his hyungs are holding hands under the table. 

It was a foreign concept before, seeing they lived together, but Dohyon realises love is also the way Seungyoun chokes over his food and turns a bright shade of red during lunch when Dohyon asks him to stay all day and Hangyul hyung adds he should stay the night too. 

Love is them obviously sending him to sleep early so they can be disgustingly cute in private.

They have their Fan Meeting before anyone else and he’s happy again and on stage and he feels like maybe they have a chance to fix things at least a little bit. 

Love is Seungyoun hyung showing up out of nowhere.  
Love is Hangyul hyung pouting and pretending to be upset when Seungyoun hyung passes without saying hi, so he can shower Dohyon in compliments and cheeks squeezing.

(Love is also Dohyon knowing there was no way they’d let _him_ attend, but his heart still breaking at the fact that he’s not there).

Love becomes constant in his everyday life.  
Seungyoun hyung calls every day both him and Hangyul hyung, he shows up whenever he can and, tho more rarely because Hangyul hyung doesn’t like leaving him alone at the dorm, it’s Hangyul that spends the night at Seungyoun’s. 

They kiss a lot whenever Seungyoun hyung is around.  
Nothing obscene and disgusting, not when Dohyon is around at least, but it’s still almost too much for him.

They complement each other.

Hangyul hyung makes sure Seungyoun hyung is sleeping enough even if it’s from 4 am to lunchtime and makes sure the older doesn’t get trapped in his head and stays positive.  
Seungyoun hyung makes sure Hangyul hyung is taking care of his body, makes sure he takes breaks from practice and remembers the small things that Hangyul is bound to forget by nature.

It reminds Dohyon of that brief period of time where he could actually see and sense the love coming from his parents when he was at home.  
Only it’s Hangyul hyung and Seungyoun hyung now. He even tells this to Junho hyung and Eunsang hyung during one of their video-calls. Junho laughs at that and says that he’s not surprised his X1 parents remind him of his real parents.

Wooseok joins after a while, right after his live, which means it’s late and Hangyul hyung will walk in soon to tell him he has to go to sleep.

There’s a knowing look in Wooseok hyung’s eyes when he starts to casually mention how all the other members are.  
Donpyo is practising hard, Minhee and Hyeongjun too, their debut is set before the end of the first alf of the year, Yohan will start filming soon and even asked Wooseok to listen to him practising over the phone, Seungwoo hyung only recently started fully practising and is slowly readjusting.

He talks about them all, but his eyes seem to bore into Dohyon through the screen when he mentions _him_.

Wooseok hyung never really let go of that idea.  
Dohyon wants to tell him that he doesn’t like _him_ like that so there’s no need to look at him with that look.  
But he doesn’t say anything, like always. Not to mention, distance is making him understand that maybe it’s a bit of a lie.

(Love is Dohyon typing and erasing and then not sending anything, because what’s the use. He’ll just interact with him in the group chat when he gets the chance. He’s going to get busier and busier from now on and he should just get over this painful little crush.)

The news comes both unexpectedly and not. They’ve all had their fair share of internal fighting and oneits got it even worse, but Dohyon feels like a gust of oxygen is being pumped in his lungs and like he can’t breathe at the same time.

They know nothing about the meetings for the longest time.  
Pocketdolz's CEO already knows their thoughts on the matter, but she doesn’t want to distract them or give them fake hopes, so she only settles with saying she’s trying and she’ll let them know.

They find out simultaneously.  
They get all called by their respective agencies and receive the possible contract together and they have a few days to think about it and it’s only a formality because he and Hangyul hyung are ready to sign whatever it’s written on those papers.

They move in the dorm in less than a week.  
They meaning the others because turns out they have such a big apartment for a reason.  
Dohyon is happier like this even if it means less space.

He never liked having a room alone anyways.

They’re busy with practice, sure, but they won’t be debuting for a while, with the coronavirus taking its time to completely disappear.  
It means they have a respectable time schedule and they get time off and Yohan hyung is busy with his drama and Dohyon learns that love eventually includes falling out of love too.

He learns love can also mean Yohan hyung calling Seungwoo hyung after dinner to congratulate him for VICTON’s comeback and it’s not forced or melancholic, but fun and energetic and cute like Yohan hyung usually is. He also says something about wanting to meet Victon and that might be a sign.

And if Yohan can make it, then so can Dohyon.

They watch dramas together on Sunday mornings, all of them sitting in the strangest places or positions except for Seungyoun hyung and Hangyul hyung that somehow manage to fit themselves cuddling in a tiny loveseat.

He watches as the two protagonists walk around the city, brushing hands and he smiles to himself. 

It’s been two years since he decided he wanted to learn about love.   
He’s learned through his parents how to appreciate and see a love built in over a decade, slowly but surely.   
He’s seen love waver and get back up on its feet in the span of a day.  
He’s seen and still sees (when Jinhyuk hyung comes visiting) a secret affair that is so much deeper and profound than he imagined.   
He’s seen two of his closest hyungs start off as friends only to build a strong, genuine love through pain and hardships and still manage to laugh so, so much.  
He’s seen Yohan hyung one-sidedly fall in love, working his way out of it and manage to keep one of his most meaningful friendships.

He’s lived through denying to be in love and burying his feelings, felt his first heartbreak in his own way and got back to his feet thanks to his job. And he’s only fifteen.

The protagonists on the screen share a pure, chaste kiss and Dongpyo hyung points out that Hangyul hyung and Seungyoun hyung should learn from them and stop making out in the kitchen.

He laughs too, his heart lighter. He’s happy he learned so much about love.

He spends the night thinking.

Now that he has accepted his past feelings for him, he can swim in his memories with more ease.  
Remember how his tongue slipped when they asked him how he felt when he did aegyo. He chuckles quietly trying not to bother his sleeping roommates. 

There are other memories that bring a silly smile to his lips.  
He’s glad he’s over it.  
Glad he can think about all those things without having to worry about what it might mean for their friendship.

He enters dreamland thinking about that time they fell asleep on the couch and Seungwoo hyung let them spend the whole afternoon there and when they woke up he smelled a little bit like Dohyon for the rest of the day.

Dohyon calls _him_ the following day and his heart does a little dance, but only because he had been so scared of his feelings before that he avoided calls like the plague. He’s glad he’s over it, now they can be friends like before.

They never get to hang out.  
School was closed for the longest time and after that, they had to find loopholes around classes to fit their schedules because _he_ is practising for his debut and then he debuts and his new group is all over the place.   
When he’s done with promoting, Dohyon and the others are in the midst of the final preparations for their debut and then they have to promote.

Dohyon sometimes worries over their relationship, late at night when everyone is sleeping.  
Can he still consider himself one of his closest friends when they never see each other?

He tells himself, of course, he can.

But what if he has other people now?  
Would he still care about knowing how Dohyon spent his day?

Seungyoun hyung and Hangyul hyung look at him like he’s a puppy when he asks not so subtly their opinion on the matter and just tell him not to overthink.  
Except Dohyon doesn’t think he’s overthinking, he’s just thinking.  
And he’s right. They haven’t seen each other in months. Since the day he left the old dorm.

He probably links the idea of Dohyon with sad memories, because of that. 

It keeps him up at night, but then they text and everything is fine again.

Wooseok hyung looks at him from the other side of the living room and sighs.   
Dohyon wonders if he did something to upset him, but Wooseok just tells him he reminds him of himself.   
He takes it as a compliment because Wooseok hyung is confident and cool.

But then Dohyon hears him muttering to himself something that sounds like ‘fucking slow’ and doesn’t really understand what’s that about.

Anyway, he’s not learning anything about love lately.  
Both because he’s busy and because he thinks he gets it now.

He knows how love is. 

Love is Seungyoun hyung and Hangyul hyung getting over their honeymoon phase and still be disgustingly cute and caring.  
It’s their first fight that resulted in not knowing who was supposed to stay in their room an who was to sleep on the couch so they just both slept in the living room, cuddling.  
Love is Jinhyuk hyung placing everyone’s coffees on the kitchen counter when he visits, except Wooseok hyung’s and refusing to hand it over if he doesn’t get a kiss.  
Love is mom and dad taking advantage of his absence from the house to set the living room with candles and roses and have sweet dates and send pictures to their family chat because they still miss him.

(Love is also the way he isn’t capable of going to sleep without wishing _him_ goodnight, but he ignores that because he told himself he's over that, now.)

Love is the way Hangyul hyung holds Seungyoun hyung’s hand over the gear stick. And the way Wooseok hyung smiles at his phone on their way to the restaurant.  
He guesses love is also the way Seungwoo hyung arrives still on the phone, with a small smile, and whispers a sweet ‘ _gotta go now babe, see you later’._

Last but not least, love is the way his stupid teenage heart jumps in his throat when he hears the restaurant door open and a familiar yet completely new voice greeting them.

_Hey, Hyungs! Sorry we’re late, Minhee took forever to change cuz his initial outfit was horrible._

His voice is so much deeper but still youthful and happy.  
It makes Dohyon’s heart leap in equal giddiness and panic.

He turns and finds a boy. A young adult some may say.

Taller, skinnier. He looks really good.  
His smile is perfect and pearly white. 

Dohyon is partly sad to see those cute teeth transformed by veneers and partly mesmerized by how cool he looks now with his dyed, straight hair and sparkling smile.

He chokes out a stuttering 'hello', feeling his face heat up.

He hasn’t seen Song Hyeongjun in half a year and now before him, he realises that nothing changed in the past two years.

Dohyon still doesn’t know much about love.

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyyy! i hope you guys liked it!!!  
> it was supposed to be a lot lighter and happier with dohyon describing seungyul being cutesy and lovely but somehow in the middle the angst came out. I hope it's still enjoyable...
> 
> I find myself thinking Dohyon and Hyeongjun are really cute, seeing their interactions and how Dohyon adores Hyeongjun so it's fun to create around that. Both of them are so pure and so it makes perfect characters for some teen romance and teen angst and just pure feelings.
> 
> I'm sorry I made it canon and had to talk about d*. If you are still fighting, thank you and keep the good work!!
> 
> you can find me on twitter @sun_shinejade or @stantwtjade <3 <3 have a great week and be careful when going out, luvs!
> 
> leave kudos and comments to let me know how you like it!


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